By Danielle Braff
WWR Article Summary (tl;dr) Can a couple rebuild after an affair? While psychologists are quick to agree that not all marriages are made to last forever, and certainly some should be disabled after an affair, there are many that can be repaired post-infidelity if both partners are willing to put in the work.
There once was a man who had an affair, and he loved the woman more than he loved his wife, said Janis Abrahms Spring, clinical psychologist and author of “After the Affair,” speaking about her clients.
The man sought therapy because he decided to save his marriage for the sake of his religion and his family.
“But he was resentful. He was angry that he had to give up the person and said he loved her more than he loved his wife,” Spring said.
After two years of therapy, the man finally turned to his wife in the session and told her that he loved her and was where he wanted to be.
“And she looked at him, and she said, ‘It’s not good enough,'” Spring said. “‘You’ve hurt me so deeply.'”
Statistics on affairs run rampant, some showing that 30 to 60 percent of all married people will have an affair at some point.
And the statistics for those who stick with their partners post-affair are even murkier. But psychologists say it can be done, even in the most dire situations.
For the man who said he loved his mistress more than his wife then two years later, after therapy, realized he really wanted the woman he married?
“They’re still together,” Spring said. “I told them, ‘Maybe this is as good as it gets because this is the way it works.'”
Often, when we get back together again, it’s not because of these grand feelings of love, but it’s because there are other reasons to get back together again, she told them. You’ve learned to be there for each other in ways that matter.