Erika Ettin: How To Write Online Dating Messages That Get Responses

Tribune News Service

You’ve joined an online dating site or app, that’s great! But, as you’ve heard time and time again, it’s not enough to simply sign up; you have to be proactive.

Being proactive means searching for people and sending a message, and I recommend that both men and women make the first move.

Many women think that initiating contact might make them lose the upper hand at the get-go or seem less feminine. That couldn’t be more wrong. We need to go for what we want in life, and it starts here. If you don’t send the first message, that perfect match you’ve noticed may never find you. Plus, who wouldn’t be flattered?! (And on the dating app Bumble, women have to make the first move!)

As for what to include in the message on a “traditional” dating site, like Match.com or OurTime,, it’s actually fairly simple:

1. Something about his/her profile that caught your attention;

2. Something about you and how it relates to him/her; and

3. A question.

A few sentences are more than enough to get the ball rolling. No one wants to read a novel-esque email (and they probably won’t) after a long day of work. It’s also very clear when people copy and paste the same email from person to person. That’s a surefire way not to get responses. Finally, humor and proper grammar go further than you might think.

Now that we know the rules, let’s look at a couple sample emails that work:

First of all, congrats on finishing the MBA! That’s an amazing achievement, especially while holding down a full-time job.
Now about that tennis match … we obviously need to stoke that friendly rivalry, right? What about the loser has to buy the winner a McDonald’s Bacon, Egg and Cheese? (Kidding, of course. Although they ARE serving breakfast all day now.)
-David

I can’t disagree with you, love absolutely comes from the stomach. (Smart man.) Also, since it looks like you’re into sushi, I would highly recommend The Hamilton sushi happy hour. Have you been? Thank me later. 😉
Cheers,
-Sophie

What makes this exchange so successful? David initiated his email with a double-whammy, he both complimented Sophie (always a smart move!) and alluded to something he had read in her profile. He continued to reference details she had written throughout his email, such as her affinity for tennis and her willingness to eat anywhere on a date as long as it was with good company … even McDonald’s. The final line conveyed a touch of humor as well as the fact that he’s up-to-date on current events.

In turn, Sophie responded with a cute and funny quip and made a recommendation based off of what David had mentioned in his own profile about liking sushi. As they say, teamwork makes the dream work!

Now, all I’ve talked about so far are the traditional dating sites where you send an email. Let’s briefly touch on the dating apps as well. On these, you use in-app texting to communicate with someone. Short, sweet, and original is the name of the game here.

Examples:
You’re having your portrait painted, what’s your backdrop?

Sunday priorities: exercise, sleep, or aggressive mimosas?

Two truths and a lie; ready, set go!

Notice that, similar to the messages you would send on a traditional dating site, each conversation starter included a question or prompt. Not only do questions keep the conversation going, but they also indicate interest. Potential partners want to know that you are curious to learn more about them and not just interested in extolling your own virtues and accomplishments.

In the end, regardless of what you say, you can’t win the lottery unless you play, so you might as well try your hand at the lottery of love to see what it has in store. Now, go forth and send those messages!
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(Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating)