8 Ways Your Money Habits Are Ruining Your Relationship

By Andrew DePietro

WWR Article Summary (tl;dr) From avoiding money conversations altogether to not budgeting for gifts, there are plenty of ways that couples can run into problems with their finances.

“Incompatibility in finances can be a deal breaker,” said April Masini, relationship expert and founder of relationship advice forum “Spenders and savers have to find middle ground. Earners and unemployed people have to find common ground.”

In its 2016 Love and Money survey, TD Bank asked 1,902 respondents currently in relationships questions about money and relationships.

“This survey helps us better understand how couples discuss and manage money and what impact that has on their overall happiness in their relationship,” said Ryan Bailey, head of consumer deposits, payments and personal lending at TD Bank.

The survey revealed that happy couples’ money habits are notably different from those who are unhappy. And, the bad money habits could lead to hardships down the line _ and possibly a breakup. Find out how these eight bad habits could be ruining your relationship.

When you don’t talk about money with your significant other, you could be putting your relationship’s happiness at risk. According to TD Bank’s survey findings, happier respondents spoke about money more often.

For example, 78 percent of respondents who discuss money at least once a week say they are happy in their relationship. In comparison, only 50 percent of respondents who talk about money less than every few months say they are happy.

Part of the reason talking and sharing your feelings about money with your partner could make you happier is because you’ll naturally start sharing your personal goals and feelings that are unrelated to finances.

“It’s very easy for couples to unravel and live separate lives when they don’t have common goals and activities,” said Masini. “Money is a handy platform to get to know each other, work with each other and overcome differences _ about money and the items and dreams that the money supports.”

A person’s money habits give you an idea of what life choices they make, said Masini, which is why it’s important to talk about money with someone you’re dating earlier on in the relationship rather than later.

“If someone chooses to work hard to afford a fancy home, that’s a choice that’s different than someone who works hard to afford a healthy retirement but lives in a modest home to support that goal,” she said. “Someone who spends freely may be generous, or sloppy. And someone who saves eagerly may be resourceful, or stingy.”

If you delay talking about money with a potential significant other, you might regret it. In the TD Bank Love and Money survey, 24 percent of all respondents said that putting off money conversations was their biggest money mistake. And of the “happy” respondents, 20 percent said waiting too long to talk about money was their biggest financial mistake in a relationship.

The expression “sharing is caring” might sound childish, but sharing money is an important ingredient to a happy relationship. Long gone are the days when one person handled all of the finances in a relationship or household.

“There are very few people who feel that one partner should handle the money on their own anymore,” said Masini. “That model has left the building. People want to share the responsibilities and planning of finances as a couple.”

In fact, couples who keep their money entirely separate reported less happiness than couples who shared some or all of their money, found the TD Bank survey. Eighty-six percent of “happy” respondents said they combine at least some of their money versus 14 percent of “happy” respondents who don’t.

Even sharing just one bank account can make a big difference; 61 percent of “happy” respondents share at least one bank account versus only 21 percent who have only separate accounts. So, you might want to consider opening a joint account with your significant other.

Instead of only using separate credit cards, consider sharing one with your partner. Similar to bank accounts, sharing credit cards seems to be an important part of happy relationships. Nearly 50 percent of couples share at least one credit card, found the TD Bank survey. And, those who shared credit cards reported higher levels of happiness than couples who did not.

“The more financial resources couples share,” added Bailey, “the more they feel like they are working together as a team towards common goals.”

And by sharing credit cards, you and your partner can keep each other accountable for purchases and help each other reach financial goals.

“The modern couple creates a dual bucket list and plans on how to meet those wish list goals,” said Masini. “And because most couples have double incomes, both parties in relationships feel that they want to be involved and know how their money is going towards investments, retirement, home savings, mortgage payoffs and more.”

Surprise presents can put a smile on your partner’s face. “Gift giving is usually positive in relationships, especially in the early phases of a relationship where gift giving is perceived as caring for a person,” said Masini. “Someone who gives gifts is typically generous, and this generosity becomes apparent in other arenas of a relationship, but it will first show up in simple gift giving.”

However, it’s best to have a budget in place before buying a gift. Nearly one-quarter of “happy” respondents in the TD Bank survey said they specifically set aside money to budget or save up for a gift. Meanwhile, only small percentages of happy couples pay for gifts by winging it, such as using a financial windfall or forgoing other expenses.

Paying for vacations is similar to buying gifts: the more budget planning, the better. Couples who didn’t specifically budget for vacation costs reported lower levels of relationship happiness, found the survey. Only 18 percent of “happy” respondents use a credit card to cover expenses and pay later, while only 6 percent of “happy” couples use a financial windfall and 4 percent sacrificed other costs to pay for a vacation.

You don’t want to neglect saving up for a vacation because it plays such an important role in mental health.

“So many of us take work home and into bed, literally, with us,” said Masini. “Technology linking us to work and obligations is … pretty much everywhere, giving us opportunity to work, and stress out. Vacations are important to mental health for individuals, couples and families, and budgeting and prioritizing vacation finances will absolutely create happiness in relationships.”

Secrecy is rarely a good thing in a relationship, and most couples, 90 percent of “happy” respondents, said they aren’t keeping a financial secret. Still, 11 percent of “happy” respondents, the second-highest percentage, said their biggest money mistake was keeping a money secret.

“One in 10 said they would consider breaking up with someone if they discovered a financial secret,” said Bailey. “And millennials are even less forgiving: one in five say they would end a relationship if they found out their significant other was hiding a financial secret.”

“Secret purchases can be no big deal (shoes) or a very big deal (cars), depending on a couple’s income and the frequency of these secret purchases,” added Masini.

However, Masini said financial secrets that involve spending money on someone outside of your relationship can be the most damaging. “Typically, this is money lent to an ex or given to children from a previous marriage, secretly, because the giver knows for a fact their partner will hit the roof and say ‘no’ if he or she finds out, which they typically do,” she said.

Another harmful secret is planning or creating a hidden stash of money intended for escaping from a relationship.

“Secret bank accounts, or real estate not revealed, are secrets that really affect trust in a relationship and the true level of intimacy in that relationship,” said Masini. “The damage is never about the money, it’s about the secret. The money is a tool. The secret is the damaging dynamic.”

Carrying a lot of credit card debt likely won’t score you any points with a potential partner. Just under half of all survey respondents said they’d be less likely to date someone with significant credit card debt. Equally important: 40 percent of “happy” respondents said they would also be less likely to date a credit card-indebted person.

Interestingly, the TD Bank survey found that having student loan debt isn’t as big of a deal breaker as having credit card debt.

“Credit card debt is different than student loan debt because credit card debt is the accumulation of day-to-day decisions over the course of years,” said Bailey. “Student loan debt is the accumulation of one or two decisions to finance education with loans.”

For example, amassing credit card debt paying for daily lattes is not the same as making an investment in your future with a student loan. This is why credit card debt reflects a person’s financial behaviors concerning spending and debt accumulation better than student loan liability.

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