By Lisa Scottoline
The Philadelphia Inquirer.
Once again, you’ve come to the right place.
If you read this, you’re going to LOL.
But this time, I can’t take the credit.
Sometimes the world hands you an ace. All you have to do is set it down on the table and play.
I’m talking, of course, about the SmartBra.
Have you heard about this? If not, I’m here to tell you that at the recent Consumer Electronics Show, a Canadian tech company introduced a smart bra, which is a bra that is smarter than you are.
Or at least smarter than your breasts.
Microsoft is reportedly developing a smart bra, too, and I’m sure the other tech companies will follow suit.
Or maybe bra.
If it creeps you out that the male-dominated tech industry is thinking about what’s under your shirt, raise your hand.
Just don’t raise it very fast.
They’re watching you jiggle.
Bottom line, the smart bras contain sensors that are supposed to record your “biometric data” and send it to an app on your mobile device.
It’s a fit bit for your breasts.
Or a fit tit.
Sorry, I know that’s rude, but I couldn’t resist.
Like I said, the world handed me an ace.
Anyway, to stay on point, the biometric data it monitors is your heart rate and respiration rate, but Microsoft has taken that a step further.
According to CNN, their smart bra is embedded with “psychological sensors that seek to monitor a woman’s heart activity to track her emotional moods and combat overeating.” In fact, their “sensors can signal the wearer’s smartphone, which then flash a warning message to help her step away from the fridge and make better diet decisions.”
Isn’t that a great idea?
It’s a bra that tells on you when you’re hitting the chocolate cake.
Forgive me if I’m not rushing out to buy one.
I already know when I’m being bad, and I don’t need to be nagged by my underwear.
By the way, the smart bra sells for $150.
If that price gives you a heart attack, the bra will know it.
Maybe the bra can call 911.
Maybe the bra can even drive you to the hospital.
Don’t slack, bra.
That’s for breasts.
The Canadian company says that wearable tech is the latest thing, and that it developed its smart bra because it had “a plethora of requests from eager women who wanted in on the action, too.”
Do you believe that?
On the contrary, I know a plethora of eager women who wish they didn’t have to wear a bra at all.
I also know a plethora of eager women who take their bras off the moment they hit the house.
Plus I know a plethora of eager women who skip the bra if they’re wearing a sweatshirt, sweater, or down vest.
Finally, I know a plethora of eager women who would never use the word plethora in a sentence.
OK, maybe I’m talking about myself.
Frankly, I don’t want “in on the action” if the action means a bra that will tell the tristate area I’m pigging out.
However, I want “in on the action” if the action means Bradley Cooper.
And nobody needs a smart bra to monitor what would happen to my heart if Bradley Cooper were around.
By the way, researchers are not currently developing a pair of smart tighty whities for men.
That’s too bad because I have a name for it.
But maybe men don’t need underwear with a sensor that detects their emotional changes.
They already have such a sensor.
In fact, they were born with it.
Too bad it doesn’t make any noise.
Look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella’s latest humor collection, “Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?” Also, look for Lisa Scottoline’s new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Corrupted,” in stores now.